Little Miracles

My mother, grandmother and great grandmother used a saying that I never truly knew how true it was until now. "When God closes a door he opens a window even a small crack".
Going through and facing the challenges of pulling my family back together since my husband tried to shoot me has been a complete energy suck. Every morning I get up with a list of things to do and cleaning the house is the last on my list. Guess what hasn't gotten done? LOL It will be there tomorrow. Now the list has gotten smaller and smaller but some of the challenges seem higher and higher. One being how am I going to hold together a home that need work when I'm limited on what I can do? The answer came through yesterday. The Air Force is releasing my son to come home and help me. Thank God! Brandon and I have run this place as long as I can remember and without him I can't do the heavy lifting alone.
Next financially how do I take care of things? Yesterday my unemployment was approved. Its not enough but its a start. God gives us enough to get through daily. I've forgotten to lean on him.
Christmas is not about the gifts this year but that we will be together. Ally put lights all over the house in anticipation of Brandon coming home. The rest is going to fall into place.

From my daily readings:
Neither hiding nor revealing ourselves will prevent our share of pain, but in being who we are, we get to be a part of the Universal stream.
Mark Nepo. The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have (p. 403). Kindle Edition.
Its a beautiful thought.

Not an easy decision

I'm always floored by the way society treats abuse victims. They simply say you must leave. Like it is that easy. It's not. For most of us our abuser is the main bread winner and has us up a creek without a paddle. Leaving would be one thing but how was I going to provide for my two kids? Sure their are organizations that help, however after everything happened the only way I kept track of anything was to keep a written journal each day. That journal for 2 months is 2 spiral notebooks full. and still there are so many unanswered questions. Each day I wonder how I am going to pay bills put gas in the car etc.
I knew it was time enough was enough and I had finally gotten strong enough to take steps in that direction, but I had no idea at all the events that would be produced from my show of strength. Perhaps I should have just loaded my daughter in the car and started driving to where I do not know. But I stand by the decision that enough was enough and his behavior was unacceptable. We deserved more respect. So it was the hardest decision I have made but the one that will define me with my kids. They will either see me as strong or crazy (LOL) but we are going to get this.
Blessings

“Cruelty is fed, not weakened, by tears” Publilius Syrus

What hurts the most

I've been contemplating this all day, as text messages from my ex have gone back and forth. I've been trying to communicate to him that the thing that has caused the most damage in our relationship was not the physical violence although that was awful. and painful. It was the continued lying to me and my children to the point we didn't even know who he was.
Why is it so much easier to lie to someone we care about then tell them the truth? If we truly love them and they love us isn't that where forgiveness begins? If a relationship whether that is a husband/wife or parent/child is based upon lies can we really know that person to love them for who they are?
Are we all so afraid to put our guard down for fear that someone might see the real us, judge us and not like us? Didn't Jesus teach us that NONE of us is without sin so we can not judge one another. Instead we should confess to each other, or in other words be open honest with each other and love each other faults and all.
I hope that is what I am teaching my children. That no matter what they do, they can come to me and I will love them unconditionally. My children and I have a very special relationship. One I wished my ex had with them, he just never made that connection of being an open honest person and that hurts the most.
I pray in time he will find healing for his anger, the things that caused him to physically abuse us, mentally abuse us and sometime in the future have a solid relationship with someone. But every journey has to start with wanting to take the first step.
From my reading today:
"Honesty enables us to discover the images of life that shape us."
Mark Nepo. The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have (p. 391). Kindle Edition.

Can feeling anger and hate be a good thing?

"The things we learn through love and pain reduce our walls and bring our inner and outer life together, and all the while the friction of being alive erodes whatever impediments remain."
Mark Nepo. The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have (p. 388). Kindle Edition.



Over the past 24 hours I've been giving this a lot of thought. I have always been one to work for forgiveness, knowing it keeps me from being the victim. However more facts were brought to light this week about my ex. I have been trying to be friends loving and supportive. I find out he has been lying even more and even worse my dying father is covering for him and didn't tell me. My whole family knew but no one would tell me. The hurt anger and HATE that I've never allowed myself to feel welled up inside of me till it spilled over. I've never allowed it. Well it went full force I couldn't control it. The pain he has caused my daughter my son and now my family. I let it go I sent texts messages told him how I felt. I sent a message to his girlfriend (uncalled for). Posted songs for him to pick up on facebook. I let it fly. He had the nerve to ask why I was so bitter. I laughed so hard I cried.
Today I should feel ashamed by my actions. That was how I was brought up. Play nice with others if your coloring and Johnny comes over and take your favorite purple crayon from your hand you smile and say that's OK i didn't wan ti anyway (under my breath thinking you stink!) and get another color. But I'm not sorry for telling him how I feel. I have the right to feel. It brings me to where I need to be. today that's a little more relieved and a bit calmer. Was it childish yes. But then trying to shoot me wasn't exactly a grown up thing was it? Breaking my jaw? Not nice but I'm supposed to forget that. Smile and say its OK and grab another crayon. Nope I said full and clear he stinks what he did stinks. It hurt - he hurt and is hurting people and its not OK. He needs to face this and I need to face this. It may not be loving in the way I handled it but it was honest and honesty is something we all need now there have been way to many lies for 20 years.

So perhaps as Mark Nepo a cancer survivor points out love and pain wear down our our walls. I need that because I'm building them faster than Wal Mart.
Surviving is painful but living is a blessing.

Light of a Brand New Day

That song came to me as I was putting my thoughts together for today. I've always admired Dolly Parton, not for the reasons everyone thinks. When she made something of herself she never forgot where she came from. Dollywood while is joked about is a huge attraction in Pigeon Forge and employes many of her family. She runs an eagle rescue sanctuary there with goals to grow the population back in East TN. She makes a contract with every child coming through junior high in her county that a monetary gift will be given to them upon graduation of high school. She has a book distribution that goes out to kids who want to read. All these things because they were part of her life and important to her. How incredible to remember where you come from what made you. She never graduated high school and feels its important that kids do. Family is important and kept her together when she had nothing. The east TN wildlife gave her inspiration. I want to be that kind of person, grateful. So today is a brand new day.
I was so touched when my friends reached out to me after I started this and I am so grateful that y'all are there in the background keeping my strength up when I just do not have it. For my life I defined myself by who I was. I always someones girlfriend or wife and that defined me. I was wrong I define me by who I am. I am a strong person who has faced some scary stuff, I am the mother of two incredible children who I will fiercely defend with every ounce of who I am. I have great attributes to bring to the table, so I do not NEED a man to define me. Of course its nice to drag one around to hold your purse now and again but even that I can live without.
Love to all - Check out the song.....its something special.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBP10FeI0E4 

Daybreak - literally.....

I wake up because this huge (and I'm not using this word lightly) dog is breathing in my face. My son before he went back to his base thought I would need a guard dog  so he and his girlfriend went down to the humane society and brought back 2 of the most incredibly beautiful HUGE great dane size Huskies. I know it was a sweet thought however neither of them like me. They run away daily and my neighbors are getting rather upset. Now I have 20 acres and you would think for a dog that would be enough room to roam
not for this pair. They have gone as far as 10 miles from the house several times. I've tried containment (they dug out), walking one then the other (the other figured out how to open the door a off we go). Nothing seems to stop their plans for running away. So this morning I walk one had her on the lease and the other busted through the door.
I'm sure my neighbors (in Iowa terms that is normally about 1/4 mile away) got a good laugh as I was out there in my pajamas driving the car chasing this dog who wants nothing to do with me. An hour later I'm back home have a chai tea and hope no one was using their new camera. Lord help me it probably will be on youtube.
I sit down to get my list together today. Mentally ticking off things that need to be done. Get an email message from my ex. It didn't take me long to give up on our relationship......Really? Tell him to read my first blog please. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying now.
Good morning World!

Realizing the truth

Stop repeating the same mistakes and get a backbone..... my thought for the day for myself. I have been in a marriage for 20 years that had more lows than highs. I always defended my decision to stay with him because he was sorry or that his past didn't give him coping skills. It so important to me for my kids to have a complete family that I lost sight of how much damage it was causing my children, my extended family and driving away friends. It wasn't until the night after we had filed for divorce and he moved out that it became clear, I needed to stop making the same mistakes. He came into my home held a loaded pistol under my chin and was prepared to kill me right there. I will never know what made him stop and pull back, but I believe that sometimes we are entertaining angels unaware. He instead turned the gun on himself and again it is unknown how he did not kill himself but he didn't. Several surgeries later they took him to jail for domestic abuse. I wish I could say that this was the first time he had been taken to jail for that too but it wasn't. This time he wasn't going to walk out the next day. Looking back at the past 2 months I can honestly say it was better that we had very limited contact. It would have been to easy for me to fall right back into the old way of thinking. Now was the time for change. As hard as it is I finally made it clear there is no "us" and there never will be.
In the past 2 months I've had to fight more challenges, legal issues, lack of funds, and some of the deepest depression I can recall. Each day I made a list of what I could do and left the rest for later. Little by little the list got smaller. They don't tell you as a victim of a crime what you will have to face. You are already traumatized and each day is scarier than the next, but I'm living proof that somehow you take a step at a time and you survive. My daughter and I are both in counseling to help us cope with the trauma and depression the events caused but its not a quick fix its a daily fight.
The hardest thing to get used to was I was the victim and yet I was being treated like the criminal. The lack of empathy in our social culture is truly amazing. My daughters school complained as she was missing too much school, not recognizing she was going through PTSD. She walked in the room and saw her father blown to bits. Work, my supervisor was so caring but company policies made it impossible for me to stay. The police went through the house and confiscated items including my cell phone which I will never get back. People will no longer look me in the eye. Its like I've become a different part of society. Perhaps its just my view on it.
So life is starting over at 44 - Which is actually humorous I have this Peter Pan complex and refuse to grow up. I guess it time to and figure out what I want to be. When we were kids we all wanted to be President guess its too late for that - nah that doesn't look like a fun job. The key will be finding something that fits that I can enjoy and laugh at. Oh yeah AND make a living doing it. Any suggestions?
In my daily readings today it says "Older now, you find holiness in anything that continues". -NAOMI SHIHAB NYE Older now? Yes but don't remind me! I'm seeing my mother in the mirror everyday.  Holiness in anything that continues? I know the writer meant this as a thoughtful expression but I'm getting thoughts of bills that continue, the toilet bowl overflowing, and these things I just don't see as holy. That is the key to my survival right now. When I'm reminded of the fact I'm not even halfway through this battle I find the humor in it all. Then I go out of my way as I pass those people to smile and say Hi. Maybe they don't know how to handle the situation but I am not going to let it define me
Blessings
Dawn