Can feeling anger and hate be a good thing?

"The things we learn through love and pain reduce our walls and bring our inner and outer life together, and all the while the friction of being alive erodes whatever impediments remain."
Mark Nepo. The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have (p. 388). Kindle Edition.



Over the past 24 hours I've been giving this a lot of thought. I have always been one to work for forgiveness, knowing it keeps me from being the victim. However more facts were brought to light this week about my ex. I have been trying to be friends loving and supportive. I find out he has been lying even more and even worse my dying father is covering for him and didn't tell me. My whole family knew but no one would tell me. The hurt anger and HATE that I've never allowed myself to feel welled up inside of me till it spilled over. I've never allowed it. Well it went full force I couldn't control it. The pain he has caused my daughter my son and now my family. I let it go I sent texts messages told him how I felt. I sent a message to his girlfriend (uncalled for). Posted songs for him to pick up on facebook. I let it fly. He had the nerve to ask why I was so bitter. I laughed so hard I cried.
Today I should feel ashamed by my actions. That was how I was brought up. Play nice with others if your coloring and Johnny comes over and take your favorite purple crayon from your hand you smile and say that's OK i didn't wan ti anyway (under my breath thinking you stink!) and get another color. But I'm not sorry for telling him how I feel. I have the right to feel. It brings me to where I need to be. today that's a little more relieved and a bit calmer. Was it childish yes. But then trying to shoot me wasn't exactly a grown up thing was it? Breaking my jaw? Not nice but I'm supposed to forget that. Smile and say its OK and grab another crayon. Nope I said full and clear he stinks what he did stinks. It hurt - he hurt and is hurting people and its not OK. He needs to face this and I need to face this. It may not be loving in the way I handled it but it was honest and honesty is something we all need now there have been way to many lies for 20 years.

So perhaps as Mark Nepo a cancer survivor points out love and pain wear down our our walls. I need that because I'm building them faster than Wal Mart.
Surviving is painful but living is a blessing.