Realizing the truth

Stop repeating the same mistakes and get a backbone..... my thought for the day for myself. I have been in a marriage for 20 years that had more lows than highs. I always defended my decision to stay with him because he was sorry or that his past didn't give him coping skills. It so important to me for my kids to have a complete family that I lost sight of how much damage it was causing my children, my extended family and driving away friends. It wasn't until the night after we had filed for divorce and he moved out that it became clear, I needed to stop making the same mistakes. He came into my home held a loaded pistol under my chin and was prepared to kill me right there. I will never know what made him stop and pull back, but I believe that sometimes we are entertaining angels unaware. He instead turned the gun on himself and again it is unknown how he did not kill himself but he didn't. Several surgeries later they took him to jail for domestic abuse. I wish I could say that this was the first time he had been taken to jail for that too but it wasn't. This time he wasn't going to walk out the next day. Looking back at the past 2 months I can honestly say it was better that we had very limited contact. It would have been to easy for me to fall right back into the old way of thinking. Now was the time for change. As hard as it is I finally made it clear there is no "us" and there never will be.
In the past 2 months I've had to fight more challenges, legal issues, lack of funds, and some of the deepest depression I can recall. Each day I made a list of what I could do and left the rest for later. Little by little the list got smaller. They don't tell you as a victim of a crime what you will have to face. You are already traumatized and each day is scarier than the next, but I'm living proof that somehow you take a step at a time and you survive. My daughter and I are both in counseling to help us cope with the trauma and depression the events caused but its not a quick fix its a daily fight.
The hardest thing to get used to was I was the victim and yet I was being treated like the criminal. The lack of empathy in our social culture is truly amazing. My daughters school complained as she was missing too much school, not recognizing she was going through PTSD. She walked in the room and saw her father blown to bits. Work, my supervisor was so caring but company policies made it impossible for me to stay. The police went through the house and confiscated items including my cell phone which I will never get back. People will no longer look me in the eye. Its like I've become a different part of society. Perhaps its just my view on it.
So life is starting over at 44 - Which is actually humorous I have this Peter Pan complex and refuse to grow up. I guess it time to and figure out what I want to be. When we were kids we all wanted to be President guess its too late for that - nah that doesn't look like a fun job. The key will be finding something that fits that I can enjoy and laugh at. Oh yeah AND make a living doing it. Any suggestions?
In my daily readings today it says "Older now, you find holiness in anything that continues". -NAOMI SHIHAB NYE Older now? Yes but don't remind me! I'm seeing my mother in the mirror everyday.  Holiness in anything that continues? I know the writer meant this as a thoughtful expression but I'm getting thoughts of bills that continue, the toilet bowl overflowing, and these things I just don't see as holy. That is the key to my survival right now. When I'm reminded of the fact I'm not even halfway through this battle I find the humor in it all. Then I go out of my way as I pass those people to smile and say Hi. Maybe they don't know how to handle the situation but I am not going to let it define me
Blessings
Dawn